The Clean Sheet: Add some Spice?
Dearest Posh:
Hiya love. Long time, no chat.
Listen, we need your help. There are a couple of holes to fill here in our little country, and it turns out you could help on both accounts.
First off, in case you haven't heard, Brad and Jen have called it quits. I know. Go ahead and take a moment to sort yourself out. Don't worry, Queen of the Palace still hasn't recovered from the news. Believe me, I wish I was kidding about that last bit.
Why do you care? Well, it seems a vacuum has been left and the US of A needs a new "It" couple.
The second point is that our own Major League Soccer is entering its 10th season and expanding and building new stadiums left and right. With the right infusion of talent and personality on the field, it is very much poised to go to the next level. Plus, there will be the familiar three stripes all over the place from now on ... the same three stripes that put a quid or two in your Gucci pockets.
You following me here?
Sweetie, it's time to tuck your little Becks in your back pocket, and much like when you decided to move him to Spain, get on a plane and take your rightful place as the new celebrity queen and king of America.
On the field, this is a no-brainer. Ever since Vanderlei Luxemburgo took over at Real Madrid, your boy hasn't been happy. Yes, I know he has just moved back out to the wing and all is well this week, but the gaffer just doesn't feel your boy (sorry, I've been watching too much Randy Jackson lately). It's just a matter of time until your hubby realizes this season is his last in Madrid, and we both know he ain't going to Spurs.
Babes, it's time for him to make the move from Real Madrid to Real Salt Lake. Or even better, to FC Dallas, which is the Manchester United or Real Madrid of the U.S.
Anyway, if you don't want Dallas or Salt Lake City, you can have your choice of teams. Well, except CD Chivas USA, because you need to be Mexican to work for them. Uh ... or Dutch.
Oh -- don't let him play for D.C. United either. He may not survive training. See, they got a guy so dirty, he makes Roy Keane look like Baby Spice.
And it goes without saying he can't play in Chicago. Chic and classy people like you and I feel about Chicago the way your hubby feels about Argentina.
Off the field, there is plenty to keep you busy -- you could travel every other week to a new U.S. city. Trust me, there is nothing like a wonderful summer day game in Kansas City or Dallas.
Even better, there are plenty of cities with cool names in which to conceive your next kid. Just don't have too much fun in Crappo, Maryland -- all the adidas money in the world couldn't cover the amount of therapy that would cause.
So think about it. This country is yours for the taking ... before you know it, the two of you would be all the rage in America. Best part is, you wouldn't need to do a thing to be mega-famous here, talent has nothing to do with fame (see Hilton, Paris ... or anyone on any show that ever ran on VH1).
I won't carry on too much, but when the season is over in Espagne, it's gonna be time to move on. And we'll be here waiting.
Call me ...
With love,
Constantino Palace
FLICK-ONS:
Did I miss something? Who died and made Craig Bellamy Pele?
Good weekend of footie on Fox Sports World this weekend, with some FA Cup ties Saturday and Sunday sandwiched around a chance to see Kasey Keller play for Borussia Moenchengladbach Saturday night at 11 p.m. ET.
Chelsea's second goal Wednesday night against Manchester United was a fluke, but before you pin it all on Timmy Howard, where the heck were the defenders? How does that ball hit the ground in the first place? Yes, he could've come to tidy it up, but even Sir Alex Ferguson said the defenders should have been there.
The Clean Sheet runs each Thursday on MLSnet.com. Views and opinions expressed in this column views and opinions are the author's, and not necessarily those of Major League Soccer or its clubs. Send any questions and comments to tcsresponses@yahoo.com.
